Here's a confession, and one that I haven't said aloud to anyone. Not Todd, not any friend, nobody. It's time for me to be completely honest.
I don't really want to run anymore.
I feel terrible about this, and I've been lying to myself about it for a few months. I finally started really thinking about why it's been so hard for me to get my runs in. It's not just that I lack the motivation to run, but also that running has gotten less fun and more difficult.
Running is less fun for me now. I miss my running group, and I run alone the vast majority of the time. I cannot run on the weeknights from my running store anymore because doing so would get me home at 7:45 at the earliest, and Owen's bedtime is 7:30. I need to be home by 6:30 in order to start the going to bed process (his last meal is at 6:30). I'm tired of running alone. I'm tired of always having to run in my neighborhood, which is the hilliest area that I ever run. I'm bored with the hills, I'm bored with running in the same place all the time. But, running elsewhere is too much trouble. Plus, since I've been away from running, I have lost a lot of my stamina and strength. I ran 7 miles in early November and it was miserable and knocked me out for most of the day. Ugh. I know if I run more, I'll get it back, but in the meantime, I'm hating it.
For various reasons, I had to miss both of my potential goal races this year - I had two different 10Ks I was thinking about, and I ran neither. Now, I have nothing that I am training for, and no reason to really push myself. No fun.
Running is more difficult. It's more difficult because, like I said, it's harder because I've lost so much of my stamina. It's also logistically difficult. Running in the morning during the week is nearly impossible because Owen's day starts at 6:30am and I am not getting enough sleep at night to get up earlier than him. Todd leaves fairly early in the morning, so I have to watch Owen in the morning. It's been too cold to take Owen out in the jog stroller, and my neighborhood is so hilly that I don't like the idea of pushing a stroller there while I run. Running in the evening? Well, like I said, I need to be home by 6:30. In order to both be home to run and be home to feed Owen, I would need to leave my office before 5pm... And I'm already taking 1 to 1 1/2 hours away from work a day to pump. I can't spare any more time away from work, so the best time to run during the week is after 7:30pm, when Owen has gone to bed, getting me done at 8:30, meaning that I don't get to eat dinner until after 9pm, most likely. And I go to bed around 10pm.
How about running on the weekends? Well, I need to devote my first part of the day to Owen, and most of my running venues are a minimum of 30 minutes away. Plus, then I'm away from Owen for a minimum of 1 hour, but more likely 2-3 hours depending on how far I run. I have to find people to meet me later in the morning, since my old time of 7-7:30am just doesn't work for me anymore. And, I'm way slower than most of my previous running partners. Not to mention my lack of sleep, which has meant that I just plain don't have the energy to run lately.
Plus, did I mention that I have been sick for three weeks? And I was sick for a week two weeks before that? And I had a stomach virus in between those two illnesses? That hasn't made me particularly excited about racing or running, and it's also the reason that I missed the two races I'd been thinking about.
Honestly, I went to a half marathon with Todd last weekend. He was running, I was just watching, and for the first time, I went to a race and had no feeling like I was wishing that I was the one running.
I've been seriously considering giving up running indefinitely and going back to step aerobics. Step is so much easier to do at home, and so much more fun to do alone. I don't have to worry about weather, and I really enjoy it. That doesn't mean I'll never run again, but if I want to get exercise in, I'm wondering if running just isn't my best choice. This entire year has been a giant bust. I haven't run since Thanksgiving.
Feeling sad about the whole thing...
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